Fleeting moments of sanity

The answer lies in the past....
like a river... flowing to the sea.. making its own path, sometimes yielding, sometimes lashing out, i have been flowing along this life....nurturing my path when i am there and letting go when i have to....
sometimes, when unexpected things happen, something inside of you changes. suddenly, everything make sense! it could be a smell, a word, a tune... suddenly, u can grab it.. and hey presto! yes, it makes sense now!
Its been a series of coincidences for me lately...Things seem to happen that forced me to look within and see things i did not want to see...Narcissus and Goldmund, the battle of the opposites, the violent love of the opposites,conversations with Naveen &Vedant who, in their on way introduced me to the me i dint know, The latino guy who made me dance,The amazingly talented Amreen who blew my mind and teased out a me that i buried within the shackles of my mind and refused to acknowledge, Alex, who reminded me of my past, that i am scared of remembering.
And yes, i found traces of my root...and there is peace...fleeting moments of sanity..i enjoy the chaos now.. i welcome the fear, for now, i can dance with it.

Unsettling state of mind...

The ground I am standing on, is shaking.... i don't know if i can hold on any longer....what are these things i hold on to? my values, my concerns? how true are they? how far can i stretch it? can't run away from anything, cant run in to anything, but this chaotic state.. where nothing is true anymore...the nightmare has become real. The quest for a root, abandoned in its birth....needs to be revived again...when reality is not tangible, when it does not give life... what can one do? Can i withstand this trauma? can i , for once, go within me, and see me for real? Can i touch the earth? smell the soil?
Pull me down... anchor me....pry my eyes open..make me alive....

Life in OZ

hello people!
Its been a while..in fact, i haven't written since i came to OZ.Getting used to a new country, new people..being lonely..finding new friends, new relationships, new ways of living.....its been good so far... sometimes, i can see myself as a third person..and thats s bit scary... mostly because, i am getting to know myself better and the me that is unfolding is a complete stranger...may be not.. may be i have known this me for ever, and have been trying to control it or something...well...its exciting because...i don't know the whole story yet... everyday, i play a part...contributing to the bigger picture..but have no idea what it looks like at all ! May be in the future, people who knew me would say..she was 'this' or 'that'... but right now... it looks like the twists and turns would make it very difficult for someone to define me... why would anyone do that anyways?! i think i am trying to look for guideline... i wonder why? and i am looking in to the future for reasoning with the present !!! Thats a funny thing to do.. its been good so far..i have been exploring life... and exploring me.The latter has been more fun, coz its so damn surprising every time-me! its like being in a show where u don't know what the next seen is!
In one of my earlier posts, 'leaving India' , i had mentioned my turmoil in coming in to terms with leaving the country..i also had a desire to leave everything and go away(i dint know where-peru?!) ..One of my friends, Naveen, told me that may be coming here would help... it does take me away from everyone and everything...Although, OZ is not exactly what i had in mind, i cant but admit that it has helped.I know that , more than ever, now, i have the courage to break free... to jump off the cliff... and learn to fly....

call me

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Hey strangers!

i was looking through my posts...and was wondering what a stranger would feel when looking through it... i might come out as a confused religious feminist or something... i am not a feminist nor am i religious.But i am on a journey...questioning feelings, emotions ,essence, identity,roots.
and these are parts of the whole ,which is more than the sum of its parts,...important linkages, or steps on the journey ... backwards...yes.. backwards...until i feel one with the soil..and my roots are at home...
By that, i do not mean i am looking to back home...no..thats not the intension....the quest is for that state of being that i can call home. That state of being which will ground me, and life around me will flourish in my love,as i will in theirs... And for me, going back is essential , for i feel time has come to a place where there are no colors.... life has been stripped off its colors, like nature herself... and in this quest, i find colors in the past...bright colors.... i am going skinny-dipping in these pools of colors...and i share the experience with u, at times....its an attempt to bring the color back to this place that time has bought us.....

replies

Its been almost a month since i last blogged... i have been busy finishing off some work at various places.I glad few people are reading my blog and even leaving comments!
@yash
yes, i know buddy...we'll push each other off the cliff someday..what say u? :D

@naveen
sensitivity and pain...sympathy and empathy...is not enough...

@bhuvana
hey! how r u? saw ur scrap.. will mail u soon...and wow! u feel its like listening to me speak? now..that is communication without borders! :D.. bwt..did u like to listen to me speak? :D

The wild

The cute creature in the snap is a slender loris. i have spent six months chasing it, tormenting it, filling its life with constant fear.They are very very sweet beings.

we had named each of them (the ones we were chasing) and knew each one's character.it was like a reality show.. and we enjoyed it tremendously...

Add to it..the darkness of the night, the sense of adventure.... scary jamun trees in the darkness...snakes for company..other creatures of the night...
Its amazing how the night comes alive with bats and snakes and beetles and night jars and wild guars...
The orchestra ,differ from season to season.. yet...the music is a constant reminder of the life around... whats most scary is the silence.. some nights..its awfully silent.. and its in those nights.. that the minutes become longer than hours... and your deepest fear comes alive in your mind.. soon... you dont know what is real and what is not..
Being in the wild..thats like coming home, to me.. i enjoy it and i crave for opportunities to go back to the forest... and deciding to be a wild lifer seemed only a natural decision. Boy! was it a difficult road ! some how i managed to find a job as a project assistant in a project involving the "behavior and communication" of slender lorises. It required that i work 12hours in the night.I was delighted. The wilderness in the night! that oughta be very exciting! i had gone for night treks and really enjoyed that! so..i took up the job with enthusiasm and vigour !

The first few days , i was trying to get used to the conditions and to stay awake.. i remember i fell asleep right on the ground without a care in the world.. but after a few encounters with very beautiful snakes.. i learnt to be more alert... to listen to the sounds of the night.. and suddenly... there was too much activity around me, i dint feel like sleeping anymore!
The first time my guide showed me a loris, i couldn't see it ! just could not see it ! Then, i saw its big fiery eyes! since its a nocturnal animal, its eye reflect light if u a show torch at its face... like dogs..but the light reflected, is the colour of reddish orange..
After that every time i saw one, i was too excited! it was amazing!
I learnt their names, their children's names, their characters.. their territories, their mates... their homing trees...
But as days went by, when the excitement started to whither away, i began to notice, how scared these little ones are... the fear in their eyes..the helplessness...started haunting me..
those big eyes... i couldn't escape them...
they run when they see us..we chase them... to see where they r going, what they r doing.. i was told that they will get used to human being around them... but i dint see that happening...
I thought of Goodall and her chimps... Fossey and her gorillas... and consoled myself that these lorises would get used to me too..but i knew that was not to be..for chimps and gorillas... resemble us.. its easy for us to imitate them.. our social structures are almost similar....
but these creatures are from a different dimension... they are nocturnal and insect eating.we live in different worlds.we do not understand each other. humans are 100 times bigger and i cant even think how they perceive us!
and add to it, the fact that we catch them, and tag them.. this process had been the most painful and difficult for me. Each time i did it, i was filled with guilt so intense that i thought my heart would stop.
It was constant fear of humans.. nothing else.
Wild lifers may tell me that i am not fit to be one of them.That that i am anthropomorphising the animal and making up feelings that it dint have.So be it. They may tell me that i don't have what it takes to be a wild lifer.So be it.
Theres nothing more that i would like , than to spent the rest of my life in a jungle.But not at the cost of the peace of a few remaining animals .... I for one, will not be an additional devil for them to fear.

Kodungallur Bharani (Kali cont.)

The kodungallur Bharani in the state of kerala

is the annual festival of the kali temple at kodungallur. To an outsider, this festival may seem weird or even freaky.. for the celebration here, represents chaos unleashed...In a state of lawlessness, the free spirit dances in to trance... armed with swords and chilambu, the free spirits let out all that they have suppressed within themselves for the past one year...With Kali, they sing obscene sex songs.. they talk dirty, they drink liquor..Anger finds ways to express itself...In trance,they wound themselves...their heads bleed..and with the blood, they cleanse themselves and the world of its superficial civilised mask. It is a celebration of death,decay and regeneration of life...Within Kali's protective presence, they unleash themselves.

This festival is one of the biggest in Kerala, people from all parts of the state come to be a part of this unique festival.As the town grew, so did the temple and the festival, in sheer number of devotees coming there.
This is the festival of the lower caste.In light of the earlier post, I think its only natural that the true inhabitants of the land remembers and still pray to the same god who protected them eons before the lords of the land established power and supremacy.
For the society that tamed Kali , who was too wild for the civilised man, the festivals that celebrated her and all that she stands for, came to be an embarrassment.
It had to be dealt with.Such festivals, especially ones that were too popular, had to be censored.Yes! Censored- a word of the civilised man. and Thats what happened to the Kodugallur Bharani too..
The celebration is censored today. No more obscenity..no more dirty talk..no more trance.All that is hidden is hidden for a cause. Their secrets die with the devotees.
Lives of suppressed emotions, anger,desires, fears and a new sense of alienation. A sense of being uprooted...for this soil hold the remains of their ancestors..who danced with the kali for years...their blood has replenished this temple ground for years...and here, now, their right is taken away from them.
They are seen as filth, untouchables, to be beaten if they do not abide by the law and order of the state.Recent years, Police men outnumber the number of devotees who come for the festival.New bhagavati devotional songs are played.There is a ban against singing 'foul sex songs' and the devotees are beaten if they dare to sing a sex song or go in to a trance.

for a detailed report,

http://www.hrsolidarity.net/mainfile.php/2002vol12no06/2251/


This temple was half an hour from my house in kerala.I grew up listening to horror stories about the festival.I dont remember going to the Kali temple even once. Not surprising , for i belonged to the higher caste and i am a girl.These two factors makes it impossible for the likes of me to be even seen within the limits of kodungallur during the festival.It was a mystery nobody talked about in the house hold... no one would tell me why it is dangerous to go to the temple during the festival..bad things happen there..bad people come there...No ! U cannot go see it !! Good Girls never go there during the festival !
I have not yet gone to a bharani at kodungallur, but now i know... I know, its a celebration..a true celebration where one is filled with so much happiness, so much energy that one can break away from the chains that bind and suffocate... It is a celebration of memories, passed from generation to generation..through songs and stories.... through faith and passion...
It is the true celebration of being the memory, of being life and death ,of being one with the power that runs the cosmos, of being one with Kali....


PS- I am sure sexual harassment is a common thing during the festival.Even a crowded bus is an apt playground for twisted souls who torture unsuspecting travellers.So one can only imagine the degree of sexual harassment happening in a festival like this ! but what i am wondering now, is -who would be doing it more, the police or the devotees ?

She... (Kali)

These two images essentially represents the same. It is believed that the one where Kali is copulating with Shiva came first in history, which was later modified in to a socially acceptable


image of her stepping on her husband ! From what i have read, the first image is the one worshipped by tantric hindus while the latter one is worshipped by vedic hindus.

A careful examination makes one wonder whether these changes, this taming of the female spirit of Kali started with the Aryan invasion of India... some literature seems to agree..
Painters and artists of latter days try their very best to cover her nakedness with the skirt of hands and garland of male heads...
yet...Kali seems to crawl out of the carpet we shooed her beneath...with all her nakedness, her desires, her wrath , she comes out to question this superficial culture we have build ...
the society of the do - gooder is suddenly looking for its roots..
everything that we have been trying to hide, everything that we have been suppressing comes out and there is no escape...

Although, strangely, "sarva mangala mangalye sarvartha sadige thrayambike devi narayani namasthuthe" was one of the very first prayers that i learnt as a child, and the only one i remember, i dint know much about the She- goddess of India and how her free spirit was curbed by the norms of our society.
I grew up, very close to a durga temple, and my play school was right in the temple compound..and i played hide and seek in the temple...Yet, i had no clue bout the brutal rape of durga ,by our culture...
I used to like this small temple better than the other big temple near my house.Some how, i liked the fact that this small temple had durga and she is a female, who wud understand me better and of course, also the fact that i knew the pujaris of this temple and they let me play there !
later on... i started questioning the concept of GOD and in teenage rebellion, stopped going to temples, much to mothers dismay..But i did occasionally visit this durga temple... some how, the lady in there dint seem like god..and come on, i literally grew up there!
The last time i went to the temple, it dint feel like my old play house anymore..they had renovated the temple and premises and it looked like a new - age temple.I dint go in..
If the ol' lady was still in there, she would understand... I thought...
God is still an enigma to me .You can call me a curious agnostic whatever.But i have come to believe that looking at gods , in terms of human history is one of the most entertaining and rewarding experiences.
Male gods have never been my cup of tea, except of Hanuman ,who is my hero!

It is the female goddesses who captured my imagination like no other...

She is at once, the good and the bad, she takes life and gives life, completing the circle..

Also, the shift from a matriarchal society to one that is predominantly patriarchal ,can be clearly seen in the changes in the stories, worship and folklore ,concerning the she-goddess..

Like in the pictures above, A 'woman on top' image of a goddess is not something our patriarchal society could digest and in time, it was changed.It is believed that this change came after the Aryan invasion of India.The society that existed here before that, most probably was matriarchal in nature and worshipped a wild ,untamed goddesses who was representative of the wilderness around them.Decades after decades, saw the taming of the devi, who came to be known in a multitude of names and shapes.Kali came to be known as the most ferocious, most wild form of the devi, which every avatar of her could become.The she- goddess, is given a more motherly, more benevolent mask by the educated civilised society..for we need a goddess who goes by our ethics, our morals !
Its funny, how these moral values can come pouring down the sky one fine morning..
Yet, Kali could not be erased from our minds and our customs... She still exists, as a questioning reminder of our past.
we can observe the inner conflicts of a society here, not letting go of what we are, yet pretending to be something else...
and the many fold manifestations of this inner conflict can be seen in the dark secrets of the Indian society ,that surfaces now and then, in the form of child prostitutes, suicides, murders, violence,rape...

Village goddesses all across the nation, are forms of Devi, and once a year ,Kali takes form and the village celebrates with her, glorifying sex, death, decay, and everything that is considered the bad and ugly....
I personally feel that this concept is amazing.This dual nature.The god and the devil as one , inside all of us. Modern stories , for the lack of a devil in our society, puts kali in that place, many a times. But Kali is not the devil.She is the ultimate divine being in this Universe! She is the goddess to whom the gods run to when they are in trouble.She is the consort of Shiva.It is she who makes this hermit alive, makes him aware of the materialistic world, and hence, spins the wheel of time.It is these confusions, these conflicts between tid-bits of culture that we have acquired from everywhere possible , that makes Kali endearing ,exciting and interesting.

The collective feminine divinity has many manifestations, and its no surprise that one of them, is the mother earth, whose freedom, power, resources, desires, fertility and life it self has been robbed of her...but beware! when she takes the form of Kali, revenge will be hers...
When she regains her fertility from our blood, fruits of love will seed the earth once again...

If you r wondering ,why i am writing bout Kali all of a sudden, i think it is justified... The reason is that i found a book called, the 'book of kali' by Seema Mohanty recently and really enjoyed reading it.It is very well written and i feel it is written like a woman, for a woman, about a woman ! i need to read a lot more to understand the implications of this female divinity and her change through time , but this book has helped clear some doubts and sprout seeds for contemplation..
from the book...
"Devi, the Goddess, embodies nature.Nature is wild and free until culture come along, disciplines and domesticates her with laws,ethics and values.The forest becomes a field as culture decides what must be in and what must be out."

"In kali's presence, the most unappealing aspects of cosmos reclaim their divinity"

"She is neither beautiful nor loving; she is dark,gaunt,and bloodthirsty.Her form takes one by surprise-frightening at first,then confounding.Kali forces a re-examination of all preconceived notions associated with divinity"

"Beneath the mask,beneath the self-denial and self discipline exists a Kali in all of us.

Leaving India

After much turmoil, i have finally come in to terms with leaving the country ... i still have my doubts... sudden pangs of guilt,anxiety and frustration still haunt me.I dont know why i am leaving, yet i am.After much thought and reflection, i am coming in terms with this sudden desire to break free... of all bondages.
Will jumping off a cliff help me learn to fly?
If i believed it enough, it would...
Do i believe it enough?
i dont think so...
Is it because i dont have the courage to believe?
Or am i overcome with the fear of falling? and loosing it all?
When will a time come when it doesnt matter?
When even those few moments of free fall will be worth it?
When will i have the courage to jump of the cliff to live for a few seconds....
and in the process... learn to live for a life time...
soar in to the sky..... a free spirit....
i dont know when..but the time is not now.
i am sleeping now... a self imposed sleep..i need to wake up...
marvel at this wonderful world around me..like a newborn..when everything is a wonder... i need to see this world without cynicism....without anger... without the need to strike back or run away...

YO ! Friends..and strangers..

M not new to the blogging community.I once had a blog named "load of crap" and who ever had a piece of it, agreed to my conviction that it was an apt name.well....it died out coz we all have to deal with our own quota of crap everyday and my blog was an unnecessary addition!
But now, m back with a bang :D !!!
and all the posts that was posted today are remnants of the crap....I just could not let go of it ! My new avatar at blogspot is an attempt to reconnect and share...I have been in exile for a long time and this need to share comes as a last attempt to make sense, gain perspective and see life as i see it. For i have come to realise that sharing makes one accept and understand oneself better. Most of what i write here may not make any sense to you ,as my thoughts have their own course ,like a river and i let it flow..... The sea is far away.....

No longer innocent


the last blog..after i wrote it,when i went thru it again...

i felt sad...it of innocence...not even a trace of it...

i've read that there are two kinds of innocenwas devoid ce..one due to ignorance and the other due to wisdom...
so,m no longer ignorant and not yet wise(dont think i'll ever be).
this lack of innocence, it makes me sad...

if u read thru my last blog in this light u can c how my rational analysis or what evr i've done has taken the beauty out of the whole thing...
cant we dream of a whole new world where everything is beautiful and lovely?
i cant, right now...thats evident from what i've written...

thats because my innocence is gone...the bliss that is ignorance is no longer my companion..faced with the cruel realities of todays world..the sufferin and the injustice....m ignorant no more, innocent no more...

but yet, the dreams i had when as a child,when ignorant, m still holdin on to it, aint i?
i've not yet lost hope,dunno why?
otherwise, why would i strive to make my dreams come true? why would i rationally analyse it and ground it to the real and give it a form..why would i not let those dreams fly away in to oblivion ?

in this state of confusion which is the in between state of ignorance and wisdom, very few remember their dreams...and fewer still have the capacity to dream...

m glad i've got some Friends who can still dream and are always there to make me remember mine.

thank u !

what i want the world to be

me and some friends had an idea of this open space which would be a miniature version of what we want the world to be.the following is a collection of my thoughts on the same.

what exactly do we want the world to be?

we have lot s of ideas.. lots of views... lots of things should not be what it is.. we would love it if it were otherwise..we want love, harmony, peace, brotherhood,ecologicaly sound community,less exploitation of anything, or may be none at all..etc..

but do we know how all this, when put in to the complex relationship existin in the wolrd, what the big picture will look like?
how one action would affect the other and so on and so forth??
when we are talkin in terms of realationships, the complexity existin, everywhere,its impossible to say how the bigger picture is changed by one action of ours.

now we have a whole list of things that we want to be done or not done(which is how a we come to the conclusion of what we want the world to be )like, for instance, when we say it shoud be more ecologicaly sound or there should be peace and no war or no capital punishment... we are talkin about either doin or not doin somethin...this will alter the bigger picture...which i hope will be something with less sufferin in it.

my meger brain capacities do not allow me to see the bigger picture in the case when all the parameters i want to change in the world happens.. so when i dont see the bigger picture,it would merely be stupidity on my part to even imagine what the miniature version will look like.

the first thing i did was question myself "what i want the world to be" felt very stupid doin the same..seemed as though m too small a fragment in this world,even to think of what i want the whole world to be.. but then, i do have all these views on a lot of things that are fundemental to our lives..now this is an ironical situation...there are all these things i want changed in this world and m qite alound in my opnions, m feelin that not the one to think of how i want the world to be...puttin away this inhibition, i tried think what i want it to be...soon i realised, even though i can say, this should be done ,that should not be done, i could not come up with a complete picture as to how the world will function, as a whole, in case everythin i said was done, cos, its too complex and my mind was too little to fathom how the dynamics will work out...
tracin back to my initial inhibition, i realized, its due to my incapacity to predict,since its a complex structure of probablities.
now, thinkin further, i had to admit that it was too much to ask of someone who can bearly grasp the complexity of the present day world..so, it was not such a big surprise, only that it took me some time to realise that..

but then,wait a minute..may be its my approach thats wrong here..may be thats whats troublin me..

when i was told that the center can be all that we want the world to be,...i try to get a big picture and then make a miniature of it...and i could not do it...thats what the trouble was!! it was perception of it...may be, i should start from the small picture instead.may be it can lead me to the bigger one.

the parameters that i want altered ..it can be applied in to this dynamic miniature environment, that we have created and the miniature picture can be studied.. to know how it looks like, do we like the picture? is it possible? or will it not become a whole picture at all...if the mini-model does not work, then is there any chance for the real thing to work??
how does the dynamics of ,realtionships, ideas and their products, the actions that we do ,etc, work out?


yes.. a very interestin idea.infact, a very necessary one because...now there are two kinds of rat races..one kind of rats are the ones running because everyone else s running and they need to run to survive the othe kind are the ones who run to save the world.. amist all these pple who are runnin... its very necessary for pple to slow down and question whats goin on..what are we fightin for? whats the ultimate goal?

and, here,by no means m i tryin to undermine the efforts of the pple who are tryin to, in their own way,lessen sufferin in this world.. if not for the pple who runnin the race againt time to save the world, there would have be no time at all for anyone to even think how the bigger picture looks like, all will be runnin to save their own asses.
but now, since we have time and theres hope that the worlds not gonna end in our own life time, we can supplement this race to save the wolrd with knowledge(i hope),better understanding leadin to lesser mistakes and HOPE.

even though we may not be able to come up with specific answers to any specific questions, m sure, there 'll a better understanding of everythin and also, meaning to everything that we'll do later on in life.

she was dead.is she??

M crying....but why? yes...i remember...namitha is dead.

shit!! i should have shouted more loudly...if only they let me have the mike....
she did not commit suicide... she just fell in to the pond.. i was there, i saw it... but why isn't anyone listening to me??

the crowd dispersed as soon as the pricipal announced it was a suicide.They dont wanna hear the truth.But what is the truth??
i saw it.. but do i know the truth?? can i make them belive me??

i see it very clearly.She was standing right beside me on the steps of the pond.Then as in slow motion, i saw her fall in to the pond.Her face was emotionless,blank.As if she was already dead.Then i knew, she was dead.

m in shock... they have restricted us,all of us who were on the steps with her, from goin anywhere,confined us in this big room.M shouting at them...no, m laughin at them..for they are not looking where they will find the answer...they are doin things cos they are supposed to ...not cos they wanna know the truth...but what is the truth??

theres a huge crowd outside.They are waiting for an answer.Principal is standing on the platform.A mike in his hand.I hear the last lines of his speach."m sorry...we all are..the reason is unknown...why she would take her life,i cant fathom..."
m running now.Jumping on to the platform,shouting "no...she didnt take her life...i was there...she just fell....she didnt jump..." some pple have caught hold of me.M trying to break free..but they are stronger....

m crying...my tears wet my face, i wake up. i can see the fan.

namitha is not dead?

i run to my mobile...send a msg.."hey!namitha,how are u?"

i get a promt reply.."m fine..why all of a sudden??"

not wanting to scare her, i give a vague reply.."saw u in my dream.."

the reply: "did i die in ur dream?? i commited suicide in my dream last night.."

m feeling cold...my hands are shaking.. i'm not able to press the numbers properly on the phone...finally, i manage to call her.."hey...i saw something very similar", i say...
she sounded amused when she said," yeah? well,in my dream, i jumped in to this pond and killed myself last night.." and she laughs...

Random thoughts.....

In kerala,a backyard...a bucket in the middle of it...u look inside, u see a big bloody stone, something is sticking out of it..small, flesh coloured, bloody and purple... it looked gory...but i couldn't figure out what it is... while i listened to the investigation, i realized that it was newborn baby boy...crushed to death.. they take the baby out and put its small bruised and crushed body on to a banana leaf...
cant tell u what i was thinking or how i was shaking...
the baby was delivered by its mother, a nursing student,in the toilet of her nursing school hostel, killed with a stone and left there in the bucket.She attended that days classes, as any regular student would...
how can a mother kill the life that grew inside of her in such a fashion??
definitely...she must be the embodiment of evil on earth...one would think...
but one look at the terrified 19 year old gal...leaves u confused and disoriented and the emotion cannot be put in to words...
that affects u more than the baby itself... its mother... she doesn't understand what she s done...
19 years old, and already given birth to two kids, yes, one some years ago, the kid is now in some orphanage somewhere..both the times, the guys reponsible, are missing from the picture...
some pple, they went to shoot this.... after showing the dead baby s body from every angle possible for lingering moments which is still haunting me, they went to interview this girl,manu george, who was out on bail..
they meet her, and they got no questions to ask her.. they are dumb struck...not more than a kid herself...she talks to them... that her mom and dad have gone for work... and that she s alone at home now...these pple leave... no wait, she s coming after them, they stop...she has something to say?? no, she asks them.. will they come back??
one hears about a crime, all the wrath... all the criticism...is directed up on the one who committed it...the crime begins and ends with the criminal...
but here, one goes astray... trying to pin everything on this helpless girl who has no idea whats going on around and , and more than once has fallen prey to the exploitation of her biological vulnerability...

i check on the net, the next day morning, almost similar incident has taken place in USA, several years ago, the baby was delivered in the high school toilet, put in a trash bag, suffocated to death,and put in a trash bin... here again, the mother, a high school student, went to dance in the prom after this...

this disregard for the sanctity of life...and the failure of these kids to understand the importance of life...both the cases, one a high school student, and the other a nursing student who is supposed to serve and help the living and the dying...
is it a lack of education??
nope...
is it the lack of awareness??
well.....it is hard to believe that the importance of preserving life was not taught in the high school and the nursing school..or at the least, was not there in their "syllabus"..

or is it the indication( yet another one) of our collapsing social structure???

a pregnant lady...mentally ill....the roads her home...in trivandrum...
not understanding why her stomach was getting bigger day by day..started beating it in the middle of the road.. and created much disturbance to the public..(the cause of her pregnancy,rich guys who prowl the streets for such helpless females and use them in the night,..returning them exactly where they found them, in the morn)to heck with this nuisance, some pple take her to the medical college, there on the veranda of the medical college, with nurses and doctors bustling by...unattended, she spent some days..still uncomfortable with her condition.. and there..she give birth to her child..alone.. in blood and pain.. not understanding whats happening.. and scared..
this new life.. a nuisance once again, was given to some orphanage, and the lady...was replaced.. back on the road..

its time we take out the verb humane from our language...a quality of humans...it was... not anymore.. to me the word will have a different meaning form today... something dark and brutal.. something that makes me wanna throw up...

and thank god! naveen, me and vaishal shankar i met yesterday are monkeys!!

m gonna find a tree somewhere make it my home... away from humanity...for humanity if filth..its so murky that m scared I'll drown in it..

but, alas.. if i could find a tree....

thought i would run to the Himalayas..its being stripped of its vegetation coz foreigners come up with huge orders to buy these medicinal plants so that they can patent it..soon.. we'll see a bald Himalayas.

so, where'll i find a tree??

may be, I'll go to south America..Peru... there,only poachers, cocaine traffickers and cocaine plantation owners will threaten me...they are good at killing pple..most of the scientist who 've gone there to study the fauna and flora never returned.. hence it still remains the most unexplored forest area of the world...may be I'll dodge these pple and find a tree in peace..and one day, it'll be shattered..with me watching the poachers killing a friend of mine..

hey!! i know where I'll go, I'll go to the artic..with the ice being thawed...the thundra is predicted to move in... may be...a new forest will come ..wiping out the polar bear..but still...I'll definitely find a tree..or may be..the whole area will be flooded..very less hope there..
so, where'll go??

that night, after seeing the program, i went in to hibernation...inside this blanket..through out the next day also...only got out to have food and wash vessels..(washing vessels is in itself a meditating experience..i love it..u should try it sometime..)
yeah..also..checkin on the net for newborn killings..i almost threw up after Reading bout all that..so i returned to the security of my blanket..

when will oxygen cylinders come to market?? and when'll it be mandatory for every one to carry an oxygen cylinder on one's back?? and pple waiting in queue for a breathe of air??
air will also be privatised soon...and a piece of paper will decide who'll live...its very funny...u know what i think? i think we are evolving in the opposite direction....
that what we call evolution is not a positive effect...it is infact a negative one....we are so primitive compared to wild animals.. look at it, ok..
what would u call a perfect organisation?? one that is self sufficient..right??
our 'perfect' body is incapable of being self sufficient...so, the most efficient method would be to form a collection of beings and form a self sufficient network..this is what we c in nature...its perfect..
but what did we do??
with these individual bodies, that are incapable of self sufficiency,we broke lose of the chain...not wanting to compromise....but wanting to manipulate... and in the process... we became dependant on a million things...and with every step "forward"..our dependencies increased...and now, man has become the least self sufficient living thing on earth...
so u tell me, who is more evolved??

the sad part is..on this march towards reverse evolution...we've used up almost all of the natural resources, and destroyed everything in sight..
how can evolution be a positive effect when the result of it causes its own and the destruction of the very environment that facilitated it??
definitely....this negative evolution that somehow created the mistake called human beings....like weeds and parasites...i hope, one day will be wiped out from the face of the earth...
for i believe in nature... and she has always corrected her own mistakes...and her biggest blunder, us humans,..she'll take care...with forces unseen and un apprehended by us..
but i hope it happens as soon as possible..for i cant stand this suffering...this callousness..and above all..the sheer stupidity of humans in thinking that they are better than the rest...

have i lost hope??
nope...

okay...right now... i've got no reasons to tell u why i've not lost hope...yes, m disheartened...drained...
but somehow...somewhere inside of me says....

can u hear the hum? a silent murmur? its very feeble...but it is present...its existence cannot be denied...its the hum of resonance...of pple who think alike...of pple who dream of a green earth and smiling hearts everywhere...
and it makes me feel strong..for i know...m not alone..

i know...it might be stupidity to dream of something like that... or feel the hum... for may be this resonance is something i alone feel.. but it gives me strength to move ahead..

i read something from the dairy of a mad man... he had posted it after he got out from the asylum from the notebook he used to keep when in the asylum...it said,

i want to build a bridge between the hearts of every two pple i meet.. and i wanna go on doin this..untill the whole world is connected with these bridges between hearts and finally, i'll find the person i hate the most and build a heart between his heart and mine.....

The day i walked out of college

The heat of the afternoon sun was too much to bare and the hot concrete road was burning my feet. One cannot escape the concrete roads, once u enter the world of the deemed university.Huge buildings and concrete roads.
And there are the lawns, but nobody is allowed to walk there.Not even humans.So, you can imagine how they treat us, dogs, if we try to walk on the grass.Can't they understand that we don't wear shoes like them? These humans!
Lost in my thought, i was walking towards the hostel mess when i heard a commotion.These humans make a lot of noise for no reason at all and i usually don't bother to check out whats happening. But this time,in between all the noise, heard a sound that made a chill run down my spine.i heard the whine of my friend. I ran to him.
There he was, standing on the road,his head was hanging on the side of his neck, one of his limbs broken and his body, moving in fits.The moment i saw him, i knew that death would be his only relief from what ever had befallen him.And i knew he would have to wait a painful wait for that salvation.I wanted to help him. but there was nothing i could do.
The shock of seeing my friend in such a condition had momentarily taken my attention away from the humans around us.The cacophony of laughter that had erupted from the crowd drew my attention to it.
A human was mimicking my friend in pain and the rest of them were laughing!!
What are u humans laughing at? i wanted to ask them..I've seen your kind in situations worse than this. You ignorant fools! What are u laughing at?
But then, another thought hit my mind,"what would they do if they find a human in a condition like that of my friend? "
They would ignore the human..they would walk around as if they were blind.
Would they do what they were doing right now? may be they would..
I was street dog before i joined the elite crowd in the deemed university and I've had many interesting encounters with humans on the streets.Some of those humans had looked much worse that my friend had that day.
Once, an old man,with only half a body, his eyes bleeding, was lying in the middle of the road.he looked dead.but when i went closer and smelled him, i knew he was alive.He was in such pain that ,if i could have, i would have killed him myself, to relieve him of the pain.But i could not and i walked away.Two days later,he was still on the road.Still alive.
I had lived on the street just outside the college for a year.It was a very difficult time. Everyday,i had to fight with human kids to get some food.There was a big yard where they dumb all the waste food.These human kids,they look so harmless.But take my word, when they are hungry,even a big dog like me cannot stop them from snatching things right from my mouth! They have done that!
Water was another big worry those days.There was no water anywhere.Once i was drinking water from a puddle in the road and this big human, kicked me and drank up all the water.
But life had been very easy since the day i joined the college crowd.There was ample food and water.They just keep watering the plants all the time! I wonder where they get all the water from...
My friend had started howling now...I prayed he would die soon .I looked at the humans again.
Its incredible how a compound wall can make them blind and immune to empathy.
I could sense the irresistible aroma of meat from somewhere and I ran towards its source.there was a big party going on in the lawn. I was trying to get in to the area when i noticed a little girl sitting in the corner and crying.I could not understand why she was crying. I looked around the place.All other humans were enjoying the food and the noise they call music.Wait a minute, there were other little girls there and they were not eating the food.They were serving the food.When i looked at the girl again, i realised she was looking at the food and crying.She was crying because she was hungry!
How unfair can humans get?
They are hungry, but they cannot eat.They make the food, but they cannot eat.They had the food in their hands, but they cannot eat! What unseen forces make them act in such unfair ways? Is it the paper I've often seen them exchange?
How can a piece of paper make a little girl give away the food she cooked? how can it make her cry out of hunger??
Somehow, the day seemed too long and i was not hungry anymore.humans disgust me and i found myself walking out of the college gate.
The streets are far better.
Here, everything is fair, Human or dog, we fight for our food.
And in pain, hunger and thirst, we survive together.
And m sure, that when the day comes for me to go through what my friend had to that day, no one will mock at me.
For they know the pain and they are not blind.